As I said yesterday I am finding it harder and harder to come up with something to write about. My days are getting easier, I’m less depressed, I’m less anxious, and I’m less suicidal. My days of dark clouds are becoming less and less, so what do I write about, do I just keep telling you day after day of my improved life, mental state, and my walk in faith with Jesus? Probably, but today as I was heading to town (yes, I got up this morning got ready and went to town, no crying, no reserve, no anxiety, and no sadness or darkness). I heard a song on the radio and the song was “Dear younger me”. Oh man, if I could of written a letter to myself years ago maybe I wouldn’t of had to go through all the darkness and pain. So, I decided to write a letter to my younger me and say how sorry I am for making our life so hard and how sorry I am for making us go through such darkness, all because I wouldn’t allow God to take the steering wheel of our lives.
Dear younger me,
I am so sorry for not loving you, not respecting you, and not allowing God to be the center of our lives. No, your going to go through some really tough times, and of your own doing. Oh, God tried to intervene, he tried to put that “funny feeling” in the pit of our stomach, but your going to push it way down and your going to travel a very rough bumpy road.
God is going to give you a wonderful husband who loves you with all his heart, he’s going to give you the most wonderful children, a boy and girl, and your going to have success and money, but you see, your going to take all that for granted and decide to take a road that no one wants to travel. Your going to have idols in your life, money, pride, greed, and lust. Your going to put your husband and your children on the back burner so that you can idolize your idols, you will push your husband into another women’s arms, your children are going to grow up with anger and self esteem issues, because we will not be around mentally or physically, and your going to battle constant depression, addictions, and suicidal thoughts. Oh, but that’s nothing compared to what your about to go through in your later years, God is going to going to finally remove his hand from you and let you go through some stuff that your not going to like, in fact your only prayer is going to be “just let me go God”, please just let me “die”. You see all these years God has been chasing us, and we’ve ignored him, and now because of our own doing he is going to let our life fall into the deepest darkest “pit” you’ve ever been in. Oh, your going to blame God, your going to curse God, your going to be mad at God, but remember God tried to help us, warn us, take us down a different path, we ourselves chose to ignore him. This is our doing not his and though we won’t think about that in the time of our trial and tribulations, he never ever left us. He just allowed us to go through the suffering. We are going to try and take our own life on several occasions, but God is not going to allow it, we’re not done yet, we haven’t fulfilled our destiny, so he will stay with us, but allow us to suffer. We will loose family, friends, jobs, money and the desire to live.
Oh, dear younger me, this letter is going to get to you too late, and we will have already suffered, and we are going to think its too late, we’ve done too much, we aren’t worthy of love, not worthy of Gods forgiveness, but I have good news for you, during our darkest days God reaches out his hand and ask us to take it AND WE DO. We finally ask God for help and he wraps his arms around us. So you see, younger me, it’s never to late, Oh I wish you could of gotten this letter when you where young and could see all the trouble you were going to go through, and avoid the road of suffering, but you see, we had to in order to learn to put God first, love ourselves, love others, put others first, and we had to learn we can not have idols in our lives. We had to learn money isn’t going to give us happiness, buy us friends, keep our husbands, raise our children. Pride was getting in our way of happiness and peace, greed was going to get us nothing but pain and suffering, and lust was going to ruin our relationships.
Don’t be afraid, we learn to love ourselves, we learn to turn to God in time of need, God gives us back peace and joy, though it may seem slow we never give up.
We are going to be ok, we get stronger, we get happiness back, we get our husbands love and respect back , our children are ok, we build a strong bond with our mom and sister, we love and depend on God for all our needs, and we finally get the tools we need from our heavenly father to live a peaceful life. So you see, we never give up and we make it. We are headed for good things in our life. Though we traveled down the wrong road, we find our way back, so never give up…..We find God and he finds us. We will survive, be happy, and we will find a way to help others in time of need, just as we needed someone.
Younger me, don’t get discouraged, we make it and though it took us many years, we did it, we finally found our way back to our heavenly father and he accepted us with open arms. WE ARE FREE AND HAPPY ONCE AGAIN! Oh, we are still going to face challenges in our lives, but we don’t face them alone, and believe it or not the challenges we face, won’t seem as hard or painful as they once were. I am finally be able to tell you that I love you and always remember: Christ is in us; we are enough.
The older you.