The Devil Just Sucks

cross

Dear Me:

The Devil Sucks!

Isn’t is funny how one day you feel God is walking right next to you and the very next day you feel all alone. At the very moment you feel alone the devil moves in for the kill.  Man, he makes you feel worthless, you start to question your faith, you walk with God, Gods presence, and suddenly you feel like your world is crashing down all around you and hope just fly’s out the window.  Dreed sets in, worry sets in, stress sets in, anxiety sets in, and the final blow……depression.  Crap, your back in that black hole wondering what the heck just happened.  One minute I’m on the road to recovery and the very next minute your in the gutter looking up. Ok, I’m exaggerating  that  just a bit.  I’m not nearly as bad as I was, but I’m definitely feeling myself slip.  What’s changed?  I still pray, read my bible, do my devotionals, and study?  Could it possibly be the closer I get to God the more the devil attacks.  I sometimes feel God test us, just waiting to see if we can push back and not allow the devil to ruin our days, stand up and say “no” this is Gods house, I’m Gods child, you can’t touch me.  I personally believe when I can do that and not fall apart, I will see a big change in my life.

I can read all day long that “God is my rock”, God never leaves you, Trust God, etc….but until I really believe it and really trust God I am going to continue to have bad days.

Note to self:

Every time you start feeling like the devil is attacking……..get out of the house.  Go for a walk, a drive, the gym, dog park…whatever.

Meditate on his word daily……I found a wonderful Christian Meditation App on my phone.  I love it.  It has helped me so much tonight.  I literally felt myself laying on a bank at the ocean looking down at the water and feeling the sun beam down on me and I could literally feel God’s presence.

 

 

 

Guilt And The Bible

bible

Dear Me:

Well, it’s been a couple of days since writing down my thoughts, triumphs, miracles, prayers, and set backs.  Why?  Simple put; I had a little bit of a set back.  Not terrible, not like before, no suicidal thoughts.  Simple depressed, anxious, and tired.  Why? Why? Why? I asked that question all day long.  Nothing………

Though I was feeling depressed and anxious I continued reading my bible, devotions, my TV programs, and prayed and prayed a lot!!!!   Nothing………

The minute I wake up in the morning I can tell how I’m going to feel, depressed, happy, sad, anxious, etc.  This morning the second I woke up I knew today was going to be a “pretty” good day.

The very first thing I do in the morning is get my coffee, and start my devotionals, once I’ve finished with that I pray, I always pray before reading my bible, just so that I can ask God to help me understand what the bible is saying and help to me understand it.  Years ago I hated reading the bible because I felt like it was just a bunch of words I didn’t understand. Well, today just like any other day I prayed and started reading my bible.  Ok, what I haven’t said before or maybe I didn’t understand until today is…..every time I read the bible I felt guilty, like God was pointing out all the wrongs I’ve done, and laying it on my heart.  I felt kind of depressed after reading, I really got very little good out of the bible, but a ton of bad, and kind of scared, and thought, what is God trying to tell me, I’m no good, it’s too late, are my sins are unforgiveable, what?

Today like any other day I pray, I read, I feel guilty, then I decide to pray again, I had this weird “feeling” or thought.  You haven’t forgiven yourself, I’ve forgiven you, yet you can’t read a single passage in the bible without feeling guilty, that’s not me laying that on your heart, that’s YOU. Until you forgive yourself, you can’t move forward, you will be stuck right where you are.  HMMMM.   Then I had another weird “feeling” or thought.  YOU STILL CARRY YOUR OWN BAGGAGAGE/GUILT/WORRIES/ANXIETIES, until you fully and truthfully give them to me, you will continue to carry the weight on your own shoulders, give it to ME fully and I will give you rest, peace, and your will start to see changes.  HMMMMM AGAIN.     ALL SO VERY, VERY TRUE.  I ask God, How? I thought I was, I have no idea how to do that, “please help me”!  This is so very hard for me, and I honestly have no idea how, seriously I thought I was, yet here I sit and worry and stress and have anxiety for two days.  So it’s totally obvious I haven’t .  All I can do is pray that God will show me how.

Yesterday, I found myself saying God, “I can’t do this”, “I can’t take this anymore”, “I don’t know how much more I can take”.  Then I kind of laughed.  It’s so funny this whole time I’m saying, I, I, I.  Never once have I said, I can do all THINGS through you God?  I’m betting God is up in heaven saying you haven’t done a darn thing but complain, cry, whine, stomp your feet, and act like a baby for six months, how do you think your got where your are today? Alive, no suicidal thoughts, more good days than bad…… You didn’t……..I DID!  Yes, Yes you did:)

I was watching a preacher yesterday and again I laughed out loud.  He said pride gets in the way of so much in our walk with God….then he pointed something out that hit home: Anxiety and Pride….I is smack dab in the middle.  Pretty interesting huh?

 

I love this saying!

When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person that walked in.  That’s what the storm is all about.   Simply BEAUTIFUL.

Until tomorrow……..

 

 

Leaps And Bounds

leaps

Note to self: My life is improving with leaps and bounds! You go girl!!!!!!!

My day:

Another chilly night tonight.   The perfect night to cozy up on the couch with that new blanket, cup of Chamomile tea, a good book, and of course three little four legged fur babies on my lap.

What a day it has been.  I am making such great progress.  I got out of the house today for seven hours, yes, you read that right seven hours. Holy Hallelujah Jesus.  The very best part………I TOTALLY ENJOYED IT. No crying spells, no anxiety, no suicidal thoughts, no depression, no nothing.   I did spend a little money, not happy about that, and feeling a little guilty, but TOTALLY WORTH IT.

It just amazes me all the little things I’ve missed doing over the last six months, simple things like scraping the ice off my car windows this morning, it brought me pure joy.  Awe, I’ve missed you ice, ice scraper, and freezing cold hands. To some this maybe more of a pain than fun, but to someone who has been locked up in the house for months, it’s pure joy.  It’s so funny all my life I’ve taken all the little things for granted, or annoyances, or chores.  I feel like I’ve been “gone” for a really long time and am just now re-learning how to live.  Driving in traffic today, I was almost afraid to drive, like I’ve forgotten how to drive or something, I’ve lived here most of my life and I felt lost.  After about fifteen minutes, I was good, yeah ok I’ve got this, oh, and I forgot, people are in such a big hurry, rush, rush, rush, and a little on the “grumpy” side. Oh, but I LOVED IT…..I DROVE FOR HOURS TODAY.  Having coffee and riding in the car with my daughter and granddaughter, the fun we had laughing, WHAT?  Did I say laughing?  Yes I did!  Oh my goodness, it felt so great, but for a split second, I almost felt guilty, should I be this happy? Do I deserve to be this happy? NOPE DELETE…..HELLO LAUGHTER! I even went to Ross today, a little nervous.  You see I hate money, I hate spending money, I hate having it in my hand, I hate looking at it, I hate everything about money.  It has been one of my idols for many, many years and it scares me to death. Today though I walked into Ross, looked around, and found a pair of shoes, sweater, and blanket (all on clearance) but non the less I bought them. Guilt hit me like a ton of bricks the minute I walked out, but I did it, conquered another fear, outside of the guilt, I enjoyed my self.  I headed home seven hours later, exhausted, elated, joyful, peaceful, and totally ready for a cup of coffee.

Little by little God has gently nudged me out of my comfort zone and into “walking by faith”.  I’ve been alone with God at home for six months, just me and God.  Oh, I fought, screamed, cried, argued, bargained, talked, laughed, walked, prayed and studied for what seems like a life time, with God, but here we are, six month later LEAVING THE HOUSE AND INTO THE WORLD AGAIN.

The one and only thing that scares me a little is……you see at home when its just you and God, he’s all you got, no interruptions, no distractions, and no people, so your focus, conversations, daily life is completely 100 percent focused on him, but then you get out in the real world and you have those interruptions, distractions and people, lots and lots of people, you loose your focus, and truth be told, God becomes a second thought rather then a first.  Oh, do I want that? How do I avoid that? Can I have both and still have the closeness and loving relationship I have now…..alone?  Does that just take time, practice, and dedication?  HMMMMM!!!  I sure hope so.  I don’t ever want to loose my closeness I have now, being alone; I depend on him one hundred percent with every single thing in my life, I want that when I re-enter the world too. Do you have to loose that? I sure hope not.

So many emotions today, I’m completely exhausted, happy, over joyed, and thankful to our heavenly father for not giving up on me…..even when I totally deserved it.

Now off to that great book, that new blanket, nice cup of hot chamomile tea, and my four legged munchkins…………….ok, maybe not the book tonight, I’m exhausted.

Until tomorrow………………………….

Verse page

“>Psalm 51:8  

Make me to hear joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice

 

Verse page